Damit die langen Messzeiten auch nie langweilig werden bekamen wir neben einer Testpackung Oreos die Anleitung für maximalen Genuss gleich mitgeliefert:

From:    DEWAR::B      14-DEC-1995 21:54:14.08
To:    @UTIL:SOME.DIS
 Subj:    How to eat Oreos

Greetings, Beamers–

I found a box of Oreos recently and thought I would bring them in during the beam time … however, to get the maximum enjoyment out of an Oreo, you have to eat them correctly, hence the following
instructions.

How to Eat an Oreo
——————

The important feature of an Oreo is its modular nature: each Oreo consists of a layer of creamy white „icing“ (which consists of about 99.99% sucrose held together by a secret binder) sandwiched between two chocolate wafers; the icing is ductile, and the wafers are highly porous and brittle.  There are basically two ways to eat an Oreo correctly, neither of which involve simply popping it into you mouth
and chewing:

1.  The Juvenile Method

The so-called Juvenile method of eating Oreos derives its name from the fact that it is favored by children.  The basic feature of the Juvenile method (which might better be regarded as a family of variations on the
basic technique) is to separate the Oreo into its component parts; the trick here is to remove one wafer from the sandwich without breaking either wafer, since it is well established (albiet poorly understood) that broken Oreos (or wafers therefrom) don’t taste as good as whole ones.

Due to the brittleness of the wafers, it is rarely possible to pry apart an Oreo by applying pulling directly outward on the edges of the wafers; most people instead develop a technique of grasping a wafer between the thumb and one or more fingers of each hand, then twisting gently in opposing directions around an axis perpendidular to the plane of the icing.  Once you have disassembled the Oreo, there are three basic variants to the Juvenile method:

  a. the Standard variant:  the Standard variant consists essentially of eating the whole Oreo, but the approaches devised for doing vary substantially; the most common approach is to consume the icing first,
either by licking it slowy from the exposed inner surface of the wafers or by scraping it off with one’s teeth, then eating the de-icinged wafers separately.  Oreo addicts often develop the act of eating an Oreo
into complex rituals that in some cases border on compulsive behavior patterns, in the absence of which they are unable to achieve what they term their „Oreo high“, in spite of the high blood-sugar levels obtained
by non-ritual consumption.

  b. the Wafer-only variant:  this variant is favored by chocolate fanatics and diabetics; one simply scrapes off and the icing with a convenient instrument and discards it (the icing, not the instrument), eating the wafers alone.  The Wafer-only variant of Oreo consumption rarely leads to ritual behavior.

  c. the Icing-only variant:  the Icing-only variant, in which one eats only the icing and discards the wafers, is actually quite rare (there being easier ways to OD on sucrose); however, it is sometimes practised by juveniles settings (such as schools or churches) where it is convenient to crumble the wafers and put them down the back of the person in front of you.

2. The Post-Juvenile Method

The Post-Juvenile method of eating Oreos, also known as „dunking“, is typically adopted by Oreo eaters after they reach coffee- (or tea-) drinking age.  Because of the wafers are highly porous, the Oreo is considered by many to be the ultimate dunking cookie; however, due to the porosity and the brittleness of the wafers, the art of successful Oreo dunking is one that takes some practice.

The basic technique is to grasp the Oreo between the thumb and forefinger of one hand, then dip as much of the Oreo as possible (without scalding your fingers) into your coffee (or tea) for a few seconds … but this is where the practice comes in:  the trick is to soak the Oreo long enough that it literally „melts in your mouth“ when you consume it — but not so long that the soaked part of the Oreo breaks away from the part between your fingers … that causes a gooey mess in your coffee cup (or in a real faux pas, on your host’s tablecloth or the front of your shirt!) that is not very appetizing at all.

On removing the Oreo from the coffee, one typically suspends it briefly above the copy cup (until you are confident in its structural stability); many people will perform a ritual shaking manoeuvre with their hand in this period, as if trying to shake any drops off excess coffee from the Oreo before eating it.  While it is doubtful that such gentle shaking (which is about all that one can risk at this point) can actually do much to speed up the percolation of coffee through the porous wafers, some people do develop these ritual shaking motions into an elaborate art.

Finally, once you are convinced that the dunked Oreo retains enough structural integrity to be transported to your mouth, you do so and enjoy the rush of the highly enriched, chocolate-flavored sucrose solution hitting your system.  (This works best on an empty stomach, as for example before you have breakfast.)

Note:  The box of Oreos I brough contains three „Stay-Fresh Packs“; only one per shift, please!

Next beamtime (or rather: the first beamtime after the microwave is installed in our common room), we will learn how to eat Twinkies.

–B.